Hey Perky Ass -
I have a problem with my cat! He sneeks into my room in the middle of the night and when i wake up he's laying on my face! I get all this fur in my mouth and it almost suffocates me. I try to keep my door shut but my mom lets him in. Any advice?

Jim

Dear Jim -
So you have a problem with you cat huh? well maybe if you put a lock on the inside of your door..and locked it when you went to sleep...no one could open the door so your cat can come in...der der der der der...hehe j/k...don't you wake up when your cat sleeps ON your head? i mean HELLO? hey or maybe if you ate an onion before you went to bed then maybe your cat wouldn't sleep on your head?!? Just an idea!! thanks for sending me your problem!

Perky Ass

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#2

Dear Perky Ass -
I was thinking about it the other night, and I think, that if you run Really hard into a mailbox, it Has to tip over!! What do you think and should I try it out??

Grace Underwood

Dear Grace Underwood -
humm i have never had anyone who WANTED to run into a mailbox..but if you want to! go a head! its a good challenage for you! but just be carefull!!
it might tip over..depends on how well it is set into the ground! but if it is in cement it won't tip over!! and that would hurt ALOT!! but maybe if you ate an orange..or something that will give you energy! you could probably do it!! thank you for sending me your problem and good luck!

Perky Ass

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#3

Dear Perky Ass:
When I run (or even walk) my boobs shake. A lot!! I think I wear a size 48 DD, that's big right?? My best friend is only a 36 B. What should I do? I'm too young for a breast reduction I think. I've tried taping my boobs down with duct tape, but that smarts! I dont usually wear bra's because I really hate those people at Victoria Secret and Wal-mart bra's, no thank you!! Can you help me???

Big Breasted in Bellevue

Dear Big Breasted in Bellevue
This is a hard one!! do you wear a sports bra? maybe you should try one! OH I GOT AN IDEA...its coming to me..wait just a sec..its coming....oh try a smaller bra!! a way to small sports bra..but it fits around your ribs!! then they will be...(not trying to make this sound gross) like pushed ...back i guess..and together that they will have no room TO bounce...oh this is so great!! hehe so you don't wear a bra at all? you prob have men all over you!!! well maybe if you take really long, hot showers they will shrink?!?! i tried my best!! hope i helped a little!!

Perky Ass

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#4

Dear Perky Ass,
I really hate dance music but whenever I hear it I can't help but dance. It doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing I have to dance. This one time I was in this mall and as soon as I walked in the music store I started dancing like a crazy girl! (The song that was playing was "Sweet Dreams" by La Bouche. I mean, what's up with that??) It's gotten to the point where my friends don't want to be seen with me any place where dance music might be played. I couldn't even go to Homecoming last year because all the guys were afraid I'd embarass them. I don't know what to do. Do you think you can help? Please?

Belinda Monkey

Hey Delinda Monkey
all i have to say is YOU GO GIRL!!! DANCING IS AWESOME!! nothing wrong with dancing in "public"!! i dance all the time!! if your friends are "true friends" they will like you for who you are! and if they don't like you for who you are..cause you dance in stores or at the mall..or anywhere!! come shopping with me girl!!! we can dance in stores all we want and people will look at us strange...and WE WON'T GIVE A DAMN!!! cause its fun to dance!! and at least we have the nerve to be who we really are in public!! so..KEEP ON DANCEING GIRL!!

Perky Ass

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#5

Dear Perky Ass-
Ok... I'm like what you may call a klutz... and everytime i walk up my stairs i trip and get carpet burn on my knees... do i have to keep doin this to my self? or should i wear knee pads every time i walk up the stairs? or maybe i should get one of those little chairs the like you sit in and they take you up the stairs... that'd be pretty cool... well i dunno... what do you think i should do?

- The Sinister Monkey of Redemption

Dear The Sinister Monkey of Redemption
is there anything wrong with being a klutz? well there is one problem! you get hurt sometimes! but i'm a klutz!! a very big one! i trip on nothing somethines when i'm just walking!! but humm i don't know what to tell you..except walk slower when you go up stairs..and when you walk..be more aware of where your stepping! hehe i've come to find out it works VERY well!! well..sorry i couldn't give ya any good advice!! maybe if you woar like high heels?? cause then you would be higher up and you could see better!?! hehe but then you would have a harder fall...dang this is a hard one! sorry!!

Perky Ass

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#6

DeAr PeRkY AsS,
I mEt HiM aT tHe CaNdY StOre. OuR eYeS MeT AcRosS tHe CoUnter, gEt tHe PiCtUrE? ThAt'S WhEn I FelL for LEaDeR oF ThE PaCk! ThEy SaId He hAd cOmE fRoM ThE WrOnG SiDe oF tOwN, aNd ThEy aLl kEpt pUtTiNg HiM dOwn. ThAt'S WhEn I FelL FoR LeAdEr oF ThE PaCK! ThEn--- We'Re Goin to tHe ChApeL and We'Re gOnNa GeT maRriEd aNd We'Re mOvIn To SwEeT hOmE AlaBaMa. DoWn TheRe tHey SaY "HeY!hEy! TheY'Re ThE MoNkeys" aNd ThEy AlL liVe in YelLoW SubMarInes. AnD iN ThE SuMmEr ThEY SiNg "BuLlFrOgS aNd BuTtErFlIes, We'Ve BoTh BeEn BoRn AgAiN". It'S ReALlY CrAzY DoWn TheRe BuT wE'Re AlL WoRkiNg On StAyiN AliVe, StAyiN AlIve,AhH! AhH! AhH! AhH! StAyIn AlIvE!! BuT tHe KiDs DoWn ThErE DoN't HaVe AnY R-e-S-p-E-c-t bUt ThEy'Ll FiNd OuT WhAt It MeAnS tO Me. Do YoU SeE My PrObLeM???

Carlie Simons

Dear Carlie Simons-
That is sooo cool!! you are so talented!! i wish i could do that!! make up stories with songs!! i think its cool!! but i don't know what your asking so humm...anyway...i love your song!! it is very BEAUTIFUL and creative!!

Perky Ass

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#7

Dear Perky Ass -
I have this problem people say I have a really bad southern accent when I call them they start calling me cowboy but I talk normal to me so I thought you could might help me out

COWBOY

hey COWBOY
alright...you aren't considered a hick/cowboy unless you like wear wrangles and the whole boot thingg..and the hat...and like the bealt buckle..hehe i've talk to you on the phone...and yes i do tease you...hehehe and i KNOW you like it!!! hehe just cause your from Mississippi....you grew up like that..nothing wrong with WHO you are!! we still all love you...hehe...

Sorry so stupid
Perky Ass

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#8

Dear Perky Ass,
my doctor is such a freak! we went to see if i had asthma but he started lecturing on me about letting stress out and asking me if i thought it was okay to hate a parent. well, i talked to my friend about it and she says she has the same problem. so we've decided to kill him, and all evil doctors. what's a good way to knock him out without getting blood everywhere? :)

-Innocence

Hey Innocence-
Oh...hehehe kill him!! anything...well the best thing is steel toe boots and ropes and like get a bat or one or your cooking pans...bash him over the head OR..you could give him this med in his drink or something...so he gets knocked out and won't say all that stupid stuff about "its not good to hate a parent' hehe ...and then give him a make over!! like paint his nails..BRIGHT pink or something and do his make up...and is air and put him in a dress WITH high heels!! and then like give him this medication so he thinks he is you...and he will take your place and see how bad it sucks! heheh sound good? hope so!!

Perky Ass

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#9

Dear Perky Ass-
How you you pronounce 'potato'?

Potato Lover

Hey Potato Lover
i think you say it like "po-to-to"!!! i hope! i wouldn't know i can't cook! hehehe

Perky Ass

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#10

Dear Perky Ass
i'm really worried. i've been stuck here for almost 12 years and i still haven't received any words from home. could they have forgotten about me? do you think they hate me? i mean, if they don't hate me and din't forget about me, why didn't they send a ship for me? mine was damaged in the landing so i can't go that way... they even know about it. i'm getting so sick of being on earth. it just makes me want to lash out and shoot a bunch of people with my death ray. but we aren't hostile...we come in peace! what do i do??

-Christine

Hey Christine
oh i'm so sorry! first of all..where did you come from? well anyway..WELCOME TO EARTH!! keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times and enjoy your stay!!
so no one has come to look for you? well maybe they think your dead or something?!?! i dont know? can i ask...do ya like the food? the fruit is good huh? ever been to subway? oh you might want to go before you leave! VERY good!! hey have you seen any movies? go see Empire Records..well you have to rent it cause it isn't a new reliese but its my FAVORITE movie!! its the best go rent it soemtime before your stay with us is over! oh and go to the mall too!! get some cute clothes to show your family at home!! oh and have a good time!! hehe

Perky Ass

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#11

Dear Perky Ass
People have started thinking i'm insane! But what's really wrong with walking around with fairy wings taped to your back? especially if you're a fairy with no wings? i get bugged a lot in school and my i have no friends...i can't give up my wings! what do i do?

-The Summer Fairy

Hey Summer Fairy
Nothing wrong with being a fairy!! if people don't like you for who you are and what you look like..then they aren't worth having as friends!! seriously!! i'm a fairy!! a pretend princess/fairy in a yellow dress with yellow car slippers that honk when you walk and a yellow wond and glitter all over my face and hair and arms!!! and i prances around...all the time!! hehe..see so nothing wrong with being a fairy!! i seriously do have wings! (not real ones but i do in real life...not real ones in real life but...i have pretend ones that i play with! and i have a yellow wond that i play with!! i know its childish..so??) hehe..but anyway...doesn't mattre what you look like...its WHO you are!!!

Perky Ass

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#12

Dear Perky Ass,
I like my friend, Annette, alot more than just a friend. My other female friends know this as well. Well, anyway, one of my other friends, Amanda, claimed to have talked to Annette over the phone a couple days ago and asked her what she thought of me and she says that Annette has no interest in taking our relationship past being friends. Here's where it gets interesting...Annette just called me late last night. She had just checked her phone messages on her machine and was phoning me back from a message I left 2 weeks ago. She's been on holidays in B.C. for 3 weeks!!! There's no way that Amanda could have talked to her!!! What do I do? Ask Annette out and risk ruining our friendship as it is? Kill Amanda? Help!

Steroids

Hey Steroids-
That really sucks!! seems to me like Amanda likes you and is jealous of Annette that you like her...i think Amanda either likes you or is afraid she is going to lose 2 good friends by them going out...make sence? hehe...but ya might want to just talk to Amanda about it...and tell her that you really didn't like what she did...just talk to her...and maybe tell Annette how you feel about her...and don't rely on a friend cause something might happen like what Amanda did...i don't know what else to tell ya! sorry!!

Perky Ass

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COME ON PEOPLE..E-MAIL ME!! PLEASE?